You know, i just Don't understand
How men communicate with Each other.
The meaning is between The lines, you know ?
Women lay it all Out there on the line--
Women on the lines, men between the lines.
That's right.
Because i have noticed That sometimes, even with me,
You guys do some code,
Maybe when you get A little uncomfortable.
Just to protect you In a certain way,
Also, from the-- From what ?
Because you're a more genteel Creature than we are.
It's true.
How do you Know that ?
The way you throw. ( Laughing )
What are you Working on there, ben ?
Just taking notes,
You know, jotting down Some thoughts.
Like a journal ?
I'm working on a book.
Are you ? Great !
That's great, ben-- What kind of book ?
Well, it's A book about me.
Who better ?
Well, you write what You know, dad.
You don't write What you don't know.
That's what i've been Telling you,
Is you are the world's Leading expert on ben.
With a little help From you.
I'm in second place, Believe me.
But, ben, Don't you think
That before you write Your memoirs,
You should go out and have A couple more of those things
That are the--
Live a little, Is what i'm saying.
Look, i've reached that Point in my life, dad,
Where i have To start, you know,
Committing things to permanence, Or else when i'm gone,
Who will be able to Know what i was like ?
Oh, i could tell 'em.
When am i going ?
I packed a bag, ben.
Oh, man-- i gotta change The ending now.
I wrote the first part.
Yeah ?
I wrote out My first thought.
You wanna hear it ?
Sure, go ahead.
No, you don't Wanna hear it.
No, i would like To hear it.
"In loving memory of My father, jonathan katz."
Ben, do you know something I don't know ?
'Cause that's Usually reserved for--
After somebody has--
I know, dad,
But this book is gonna Take awhile to write.
And by the time I'm done--
Yeah.
You know i'm Gonna love you.
Come here, you.
Dad, not yet.
I said "by the time I'm done."
Hey, laura, How's it going ?
You remember me ? Louie ?
Yeah-- could you take A seat, please ?
You know what i've always Wanted to do ?
Change my Name to something
Really awful like "Farty mccrab-lice,"
And then go and find The cure for a disease,
Because then they'll have to Name a street after me,
"Farty mccrab-lice street,"
And the president Will have to say,
"God bless farty mccrab-lice."
I've been having some Financial troubles.
I called my bank And checked my balance.
It turns out i have negative $4,500 in the bank.
But i like Calling my bank,
'Cause i can transfer my Money over the phone.
You know, the lady goes,
"Please enter the amount You'd like to transfer."
So i just put in a one And a lot of zeros,
'Cause then you actually Get to hear the lady say,
"Your transfer of $10 million Has been denied
Because of your negative Checking balance of $4,500.
Please try again."
Okay, boop-boop-boop.
"Your request for a transfer Of 15 cents has been denied !"
You know what I realized today ?
I got really depressed,
'Cause i realize i forget To start playing saxophone
When i was 12 years old.
It just Hit me today.
Damn, i should have Done that,
'Cause now i can't get Any work as a sax player,
'Cause i don't know How to play.
'Cause i've Never even tried.
It bothers me when people Complain about flying.
People are like, "The seat was too small
And the lady was Mean to me."
When did we become so jaded to The fact that it's a miracle ?
You're flying !
I don't think The airlines--
All they should have to say In their commercial is,
"We can fly !"
But i didn't Like the seat.
It smelled weird, and I don't like--
Laura ? Am i late ?
Well, you're about 20 minutes late.
Okay, that's not so bad.
You see, i went to see At the yogurt place,
And i hate Making left turns.
You know, you stick out In traffic.
So instead of Making one left turn,
I made, like, a lot Of right turns.
Fred, what are You talking about ?
You don't have a car.
I didn't mean With a car.
With a car, that would be Really bad, really stressful.
Wow, this is great, A second waiting room.
This looks much more Comfortable.
No, ron, this is Not a waiting room.
This is my office.
Wow, they said you Had a different approach.
This is great.
There's no special chair And no sharp, poking things,
And there's no-- ( Gurgling noise ) thing
You know, that thing.
Wow, i feel very relaxed-- This is very nice.
I'm very nervous around
The type of doctor That you are.
I think you're gonna get Over that in awhile.
It just takes Getting used to.
Oh, really ? Well, where do we start ?
Why don't you just tell me A little something
About what brought You here today ?
I've been feeling a little Pain on the right side.
What do you mean, ron ? What kind of pain ?
The last time i came, they Pulled these two right here.
Yeah.
What are you Talking about, ron,
When you say, "they Pulled these two" ?
Are you Talking about teeth ?
Wow, this is a very Interesting approach.
Well, it is the teeth that Were pulled, yeah.
This is great.
I mean, i'm starting To feel better already.
Wait, you don't-- do you Think i'm a dentist ?
No, i don't !
I think that's why this Is working so well.
Dr. Katz' office.
Hi, laura, it's ben.
Hi, ben.
How you doing ? Fine.
I know you're gonna Start asking me like,
"Hey, ben, what's going on ? Why are you so down ?
Why are you So depressed ?"
No, i wasn't going to.
But i'll Tell you why.
I'm writing now.
And when i write, you know, I dredge up a lot of memories
That aren't so pleasant.
Mm-hm.
And i'll tell you something, Laura, that's not easy.
Hey, ben ?
Isn't this cutting Into your writing time ?
Well, i'm on A writing break.
Really ?
Every writer Takes a break.
What time did you say You started ?
I pull up to the notebook About 11:00 a.M.
It's 11:05.
Yeah, i mean, sometimes, it Doesn't come as easy.
I mean, i'm not Ad-libbing here.
I'm a writer-- i need To think first.
It just doesn't Pop into my head.
I need to sit down, Fall asleep, then get back up,
And... You know, Snack...
And then write.
I gotta get back.
You're obviously In a lot of pain.
It's not the tooth.
It's something else That's going on.
So you're not A dentist anymore ?
No, no, i've never been A dentist.
Oh, i was A good patient.
You're very good, You were very good.
You made a commitment To the role.
But now that's over,
And now we're just Two guys in my office.
I'm dr. Katz, and you Are ron lynch.
Okay.
What else do You know about me ?
I know a lot about you.
I know that you're single, You've been married once.
Wow, i don't think That's me.
I'm sorry.
That's a good role, Though.
I like to play-- Can i play that role ?
No.
But i gotta be honest With you--
I don't wanna give away the Middle, but you're in there.
Really ?
Yeah-- i mean, i haven't Written it yet,
But i see you Somewhere in the middle.
Well, at least It'll be short.
There might be some things You read in the book
That you'll be Disturbed with,
Like the part about our Longstanding relationship--
Oh.
The breakup in paris-- Remember that ?
We lived in paris.
Lived in the park, Remember,
In the jardin ?
In the what ?
We lived in the Jardin du luxembourg
In paris, remember ?
Remember i turned to you On the park bench,
And i said, "Life is not sweet."
We were poor, but we Were happy.
Hmm.
Why'd you leave me ?
You know, let's try And go back, if we could,
To your childhood, to some Of those early memories.
All right.
You and your Mom and your dad.
You have an older brother.
Right.
What's his name ? I wanna say alan.
No, his name was alan.
Ron, i know this is hard To talk about,
But would He pick on you ?
Would he bully you ?
Yeah, as far as Competition goes, we--
( Phone ringing )
What is that ?
I'm sorry.
Hello ?
Yeah, i can't...
Please don't...
Uh-huh, right, okay.
I don't know if they have any, But i'll try to get--
Ron, you don't--
I'm at the doctor's, yeah.
Could you put That thing away, please ?
No, he's-- It's a dentist.
Can you just hang up ?
Look, i gotta go.
Okay, good-- Okay, bye.
Why are you pretending That's a real phone ?
It is a real phone.
But the cord is coming out of Your pants pocket in the back.
This is not a real leg.
Can we stop playing games For a second
And try to focus ?
I'm here to be helped, I'm here to be helped.
( Phone ringing )
Oh, jeez.
Do you need--
Yeah, you just-- You just called me.
He knows you're not A real person now.
Right.
I know it's A fake phone.
Okay, i gotta-- okay.
Okay, bye.
I'm sorry.
You know, this is Your real money
That you're gonna have To pay me, whether or not
You take advantage of my help Or not, you know ?
So do you wanna sit Here and play games,
Or do you wanna talk about what It is that's troubling you ?
A little of Each would be good.
You wanna hear this First sentence ?
It might blow you away.
Okay.
Here we go, ready ? Yep.
"The rushin' river raged,
Ripping a serpentine path Through the ragged ridge--"
I love it.
I'm not done yet. Okay.
Hi, i'm ben katz.
Is that a good start ?
I love the part About the river.
"The rushin' river."
I think that the, "Hi, i'm ben katz,"
Is too abrupt.
You think so ?
I don't wanna talk about the Rushin' river for 300 pages.
Well, actually, What i've done
To separate the memoirs Right now--
I've outlined it,
And i've separated it Into three parts.
Right.
The early years.
The second part would be The camp years.
Those three years in Summer camp, i learned a lot.
There's a lot you don't Know about.
Yes, i played softball--
Doesn't mean i'm gay.
The third part-- i'm calling That the pensive years.
That's the last Six years of my life
I call The pensive years.
You know why ?
Why is that ?
I don't know.
I don't think of them As pensive years.
They used to Be pensive years.
Now they're your Ex-pensive years.
Do you see What i'm saying ?
Ex-pensive ?
Yeah, i get it.
Formerly your pensive years,
For me, they were The ex-pensive years.
I get it and get it.
Ex-pensive.
Laura, is everything okay For my appointment ?
Well, besides the fact That you missed it, yeah.
Did you ever think Maybe you and dr. Katz,
'Cause i'm late All the time,
Buy me Something funny,
Like a sign that says, "Even a broken clock
Is correct Two times a day" ?
Do you and dr. Katz Ever say,
"Let's get Something funny for fred,
Like a beeper or a funny Ribbon to remind him."
Did you ever, Like, do you--
How come you never bought Me anything ?
I don't know, fred.
How about if I gave you the money ?
I don't know, fred.
How about if i bought it Myself, gave it to you,
Could you Give it to me ?
I don't know, fred.
Like this.
Woo-hoo ! My god, This is great !
Yeah, i was in jail, Because--
Well, it started because I borrowed a friend's car
And the horn was broken.
Right.
And it wasn't that The horn didn't honk.
The problem was that it Would honk whenever.
It was a nightmare.
I'm just driving around-- Beep, beep, beep, beep.
I'm honking at everybody For no reason.
And you can't Even really apologize.
'Cause what is-- You know...
Beep-- sorry, i know !
Beep, beep-- I know, it's weird.
I don't know.
And, finally, i decided After awhile of this,
I'm not gonna be A victim.
I'm not gonna Just sit here.
I'm gonna at least Be part of it.
I wanna try To enjoy it.
One time, i'm sitting at a red Light behind this guy.
And nothing's going on.
And out of nowhere, the horn Goes, beep, beep, beep, beep.
The guy Looks back at me.
I go, "what are you doing ? That's a red light !
Let's go-- what Are you, an idiot ?"
I'm just driving down A quiet street--
Beep, beep.
Hey, lady walking-- You suck !
Dr. Katz' office.
I am livid. Hi, ben.
I'll tell you something.
What does it take to get a book Published in this country ?
I think you Have to write one.
Yeah, but i'm Doing that.
Yeah ?
I just don't Wanna keep going
Unless i get some Sort of deal.
Right.
This is the way it goes in Publishing, as far as i know.
You come up with an idea, And you get an advance--
You know, like, $50,000, or $100,000.
Then you continue To write.
Makes sense.
I just want The advance part.
I can't work under these Conditions.
I mean, they just Squish the artist.
They push me right into a corner And they say, "write !"
And i say, "No, no thank you !"
So anyway, i ended up In jail,
Because the police don't Like when you honk at 'em
For no reason.
I like doing that.
Whenever i see a cop, i like To drive behind policemen
And start following Them around the city.
And just once in awhile, Just honk at 'em,
Go-- beep, beep, beep.
And when they look back, You just wave and go,
"Hey ! Hey, the cops ! Yeah, woo !"
Beep, beep-- "Yeah, i love the cops !"
Beep-- "Whoo ! Piggie !"
Listen, i gotta get back To the book.
Oh, okay.
I'm in the middle of An extremely emotional part.
Really ? What part Is that ?
The title.
There's a word In there, though,
That makes me cry every Time i write it.
Anyway, the truth Is i was in jail,
Because i was speeding, And i got pulled over,
And i don't have A driver's license.
I never got one.
Yeah.
Well, i went to the place, And there was a line.
You need A driver's license.
I kind of like the fact
That every time i get Pulled over,
Even if it's for A broken headlight,
They have to take Me to jail.
So i don't have to Kiss the guy's ass.
I get to say anything I want, really,
'Cause what, is he gonna Take me to extra jail ?
Right.
You know, The guy's like--
"Do you know how fast You were going ?"
"I don't know-- Like, a million ?
I don't-- hey, You fat pig !"
So i had to go to jail, and I had to be strip-searched.
I'd never been through That before.
So i was standing naked In front of this policeman.
And he says, "lift !"
And i was like, "Lift what ?"
And he says, "Lift your testicles."
And i was like, "well, can I use my hands ?
"Or do you just want me To go, 'rise, testicles !
Rise on my command !'" ?
So you've moved away From the idea--
You've given up on the idea Of the perfect opening line ?
Yeah, you know what ?
'Cause it's really not, I don't think,
About the Opening line anymore.
No-- what do you think It is about ?
It's about The whole book.
So you know what I have now ?
What's that ? A bigger problem.
I mean, first, it Was just one line.
Now it's a whole Damn book.
I don't think i'm Gonna be able to do it.
I'll still give it A try, though,
Because you know what ? I love the lifestyle.
The lifestyle Is the best.
Yeah, it's just The writing that sucks.
I realize now it's the title That really counts.
I wouldn't Say that, ben.
It is, dad, Let's face it.
You can tell if the book Is gonna be good
Just by looking At the cover.
How about you tell Me an idea for a title
And i'll rate it on a sliding Scale, one to ten ?
All right, Ten being the best ?
Ten being the best, one Being the worst.
All righty, five being Right in the middle.
Right smack In the middle.
Okay, here we go-- Ready ?
You ready To catch it ?
Yep.
How about this ?
"What did we do to make mommy Go so far away ?"
That's a two.
Okay.
"The sound of my father's voice Is slowly killing me" ?
I'm gonna give That a two, also.
All right.
"An introspective retrospective Of a prospective genius."
That, i'm gonna Give a six, ben.
And pick up the pace
'Cause i gotta Get out of here.
How about this: "thoughts From a bloated boy."
That's a seven-- I like it.
"What's new, pussycat ?"
Been taken.
"Big ben, american-style."
That's my favorite So far.
I gotta go, But you keep going,
'Cause you're definitely On to something.
I just don't think this Is gonna work out alone.
I like that one, ben-- That's a keeper.
"Daddy abandoned me"-- How about that ?
Dr. Katz, i have an idea That actually might work.
Could you possibly not Actually look at me
When i'm talking ?
If you could Face the other way,
It might be a little easier For me to open up.
If you think that'll Help, i'll do that.
Okay.
How is it going on The romantic front ?
Have you met anyone lately ? I know you've been...
( Voice distorted ) Well, i...
Yes, i have been dating Other people now.
Why are you Talking like that ?
I don't want you to Know it's me.
Okay, i'll refer to you As mr. X, if that helps.
Yeah, yeah, that's good, Yeah, mr. X.
So, mr. X, how's it going On the dating front ?
Not really that good.
It's really not Going well at all,
Because... I'm such a loser-- I'm a loser.
I'm such a loser.
See, i think that's Your problem,
Is you have to learn How to love yourself.
I think it'll help if you Put that thing down.
I'm not... I'm not using a thing.
I don't know why you feel
Like you need to use that Device to talk to me
And why i can't face you.
You're very Controlling that way.
I'm not using a device.
( Phone ringing )
Oops.
Fred, this is the third time You've been late this month,
And your bill Is way overdue.
Dr. Katz asked me to speak to You, and i think maybe--
Please don't Have him mad at me.
I wanna help-- can i Hand out flyers ?
No.
Yeah, you're right-- That's too much paper,
Too much paper in The streets.
People litter-- I won't hand out flyers.
How about i'll do Some barking ?
I'll stand out there And i'll do barking,
You know what i mean ?
See dr. Katz, He helps--
Well, not me so much, 'cause I miss a lot of appointments,
And when i am in, I get nervous,
And it's hard to concentrate On what he's saying,
But he has lots of patients Now that do normal things
Like have families and work And go out with their buddies.
And get into shoving Matches.
See dr. Katz-- he helps.
I don't think that's A good idea, fred.
How about if I just point ?
That's good.
I was on the highway The other day.
I was driving,
And i saw This station wagon,
And in the back, there Are these two kids.
I'm looking at them, And i don't know why.
I just didn't like 'em.
Why didn't you like The kids, louie ?
They had that crappy Look on their face.
Just, nyah !
I don't know What came over me.
Their father was driving.
It was just their dad, And they were in the back.
So i just went, bam !
Gave 'em the finger, Just like that.
Whammo-- It felt really good.
And then their Father looked,
And i stopped and then He looked away,
And i went, Wham, right again.
And then their father Caught me,
And he kind of Looked at me like--
Like, "yeah," like he was Thanking me.
And i realized that Parents must wanna do that
To their kids All the time.
Yeah.
I mean, as much as you Could love your kids,
When your kid's going-- "But mommy, you said i could.
You never let--"
They just must wanna go-- "You know what ?
"How do you Like that, kid ?
"Right in your face.
Right there, You little--"
( Music )
You know what The music means, louie.
Yeah, but--
I'm sorry, We've gotta stop.